Dear Curvy Women: Do you Spanx?

 

 

Disclaimer: This isn’t paid advertising. I wish.

 

Since my post about curvy writers was so well received a couple of months ago, today we’ll talk about one of our best friends. This supportive, ever-present best friend won’t leave you hanging (literally). It won’t talk smack about you to other friends, and most certainly it’ll always lift you up. Yes, the two of you who guessed – I’m talking about Spanx.

Let’s face it – Spanx can hide all of your body’s dirty secrets while you slowly die inside. It’s cozy and warm, especially if you wear it in the summer. In fact, the best way to know if you are wearing the right kind is to go outside on a hot day and see if your sweat starts trickling down within a couple of seconds. If it takes longer than four seconds, you need one size smaller. If it started to do it while you put it on, well done.

I remember the first time I wore Spanx. My husband, the sweet blind fool, told me I didn’t need to. Needless to say, that got him an instant upgrade on his Christmas gift that year. That’s the first Spanx stage: DENIAL – You think you don’t need it. Your loved one thinks you don’t need it.

The second stage is ACCEPTANCE – Hey, maybe you do need it…if you want to face your high school friends at that dreaded reunion. A Spanx garment is also handy for the wild at heart, if you want to go on a date and not have sex too soon. By all means, never, ever have sex with someone if you’re wearing Spanx on that date. Not only is it physically impossible, but you also don’t need that bad rap.

Third stage: OVERDOSE – I was at a party, and this girl, maybe a size 6, looked at me and said, “Oh my gosh. I so need to drop a few pounds.” I resisted my urge to punch her, or to say, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” – because let’s face it, that’s what she really wanted. I looked at how her dress fit her, and AHA! She was wearing Spanx. WHY? I don’t know. I didn’t know they made them that small. But the beauty of Spanx is that it’s democratic; it doesn’t choose race, or age, or size. When it comes to tucking in those love handles, they do their job like no one else’s business.

Fourth stage: LOYALTY – So what if your boyfriend tells you that your ass feels like a mattress? So what if your mom says you are living a lie? You still hang in there, because when you are inside Spanx, all your problem (areas) disappear.

Until later,

Carmen :-)